Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Dull as dry toast

It may seem that I've become quite a dullard. I feel it, anyhow - tired, complacent, passive, and all too easily amused. My days blend into each other, the elements similar: keep Ma company, go to work, do my chores - shopping, cooking, cleaning, for Ma and for myself... most nights when I get home I haven't two ideas to rub together to generate the slightest spark based on which I might write; I'm lucky if, after hours of watching the mostly easily-digested commercial fare that Mom likes, I have the stamina for an exploitation film, let alone a serious piece of cinema. And I begin to question - given the lack of significant monetary rewards, the shit that gets done to my writing by various editors, and the amount of time and effort the work takes - of transcribing, editing, re-reading, revising, and so forth, to say nothing of pitching articles, contacting interview subjects, and negotiating sometimes rude and weirdly unappreciative bands, publicists and record label people, a couple of whom have been right assholes - whether it really is worth the effort; the compulsion to do it that I once felt is nowhere to be seen, replaced instead with a sigh, a shrug, a slump and a turning away. This depresses me a bit - because it seems all too similar to a suburban lowering of standards, a settling into middle-aged mediocrity that I've been rebelling against since I was a teen... laziness, apathy... a concern for what's on TV... but it seems to be the trip I'm on, at least at the moment. And on some level, I don't really care.

Fuck, but... fuck it. Maybe it will prove temporary - a brief slump before a productive period. Who knows...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better, I thought your Subhumans piece in last month's Big Takeover was pretty great. Stay strong, man.

AS

ammacinn said...

Heh. Thanks. I just wrote a long comment in reply, pointing out things I was not happy about with that piece and whining about all the bad experiences I've had of being edited. I then clicked "publish" and lost the piece to the ether.

Fuckit, I'm going to bed.

ammacinn said...

...though I should add that Jack Rabid is a great supporter of punk and did a great thing for the Subhumans in running that article.

Not Waving But Drowning said...

Don't forget to check out the Government of Canada website for jobs. Sometimes they make them sound way more important then what the job actually is, so read the posting. At the moment, there's a few open in the lower mainland. Your ESL helps.